A few thousand years ago a man with very few worldly belongings developed a set of principles to live one’s life by and began preaching those ideals to anyone who cared to listen. Eventually the government took notice because of the popularity of his message and the number of disciples who began to follow him around. In the end, he was branded a threat and sentenced to death. He knew his message was more important to the world than his own life, so he accepted his fate and allowed himself to be sacrificed.

His name was Socrates.

Even though he never wrote anything down, his disciples made it their mission to record as much of his teachings as they could for future reference. Today, his message of logic and critical thinking has become the foundation of modern philosophy, science and law. Our world today exists as it does because of this one man.

Some hippie jew tried doing the same thing a few hundred years later, but Miracle Max pronounced him ‘mostly dead’, force fed him the chocolate pill and he was up walking across puddles in no time.

His name was Jesus Hernandez Christ.

Even though he never wrote anything down, his disciples made it their mission to distort as much of his life as they could with claims of an all-u-can-eat fish buffet and providing wine to all of the underage hebrews and shebrews. Today, his original message of love and acceptance has become the foundation of countless wars, bigotry, hate and xenophobia. Our world today exists as it does because of this one “deity”.

Socrates and Christ: the similarities of their lives are pretty striking once you overlook some of the super-natural nonsense coming out of one corner of the ring. As far as the history books are concerned, that “god” thing pretty much fucked up the chances of anyone taking Christ’s message seriously. In the long run, someone who could have been remembered as one of the most influential philosophers coming out of the ancient world has been rendered a laughing stock by anyone with basic critical thinking skills. And the world can thank Socrates for that. Because of the teachings of one we are able to dispute the teachings of the other. (Greeks: 1. Jews: 0.)

I have no doubt in my mind if Christ was regarded as “just a man” his life, message and death would have made a much bigger impact on the world. Why? As a man, his knowledge and sacrifice raises the bar for the rest of us to rise up because, deep down, he is just like us. By calling someone a god you are kind of trivializing their accomplishments.

Aristotle, Michelangelo, Mozart, Einstein. These were flesh and blood human beings with no special “powers” other than the genius the human mind is capable of producing. On the flip side, by making the statement “the following message comes to you from the creator of the universe” you are sending out an open-invitation for people to start proving you wrong with their own myths and fables about how their god can beat up your god.

The magnificence on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel coming from a man is astonishing. The message “Hey guys, love each other!” coming from the very deity that set the universe into motion is a BIG FUCKING LETDOWN!! Love each other? That’s all you’ve got, lord? Really? Well, ok, I guess if you let them nail you to a board it is kind of impressive. I mean, if you are willing to die for it….only…..

In comic-book circles there is the claim “Superman Is Not Brave” (Yes, I’m a bit of a comic-book dork. Fuck Off!). Superman cannot be harmed, and he knows that. It isn’t bravery when you rush into a dangerous situation knowing you aren’t in any real danger because there was never any fear of being hurt. If Christ was sent here to die for our sins is it really a sacrifice when he is up and walking around three days later looking for eggs?

Socrates accepted his death. He knew somewhere the fat-bitch was singing his name and he wasn’t coming back. That is called dying for your cause. Christ didn’t really die. At the very most, all we can say about Jesus is he loved us so much he was willing to take a beating for our sins. If Christ had just stayed there in his cave like a good little corpse his cause would have a bit more clout.

But that is where the miracles come in. Ah yes, the fucking miracles of zombie Jesus, where a being of infinite power struts his stuff by serving up fish and bread. Um, lord, not that we aren’t grateful, but you told us you could juggle stars and shit, how about something a little more elaborate? Maybe some bacon wrapped shrimp to get the party started? What do you mean no pork of any kind? YOU PIECE OF SHIT, DO YOU KNOW HOW DELICIOUS BACON IS?!?! UNCLEAN??? YOU ARE GOD, MAKE THEM ‘NOT-UNCLEAN’!!!

Hey Nail-Boy, I’ve got a miracle you can do? How about introducing yourself to the other side of the planet prior to 1492? Because I am sure that conversation went smoothly?

“So, let me get this straight, the guy that created time and space was HERE 1500 years ago telling people how to be happy once they die otherwise he is going to burn them with fire forever? Shit! My grandmother died last month. Hope she’s ok. Wait. If this guy can do anything, why am I just finding out about it now?”

As a human being in a historical context, his message is a good message when finally delivered to the new world. As a god who could have just teleported over to the injuns to say hi in person, not so much. If he really was all powerful, I think it is safe to say that mass-marketing was not the King of King’s strong suit. If Jesus were really as smart as most people give him credit for, he would have come down here in the age of Twitter.

Rihanna takes a back-handed love-tap to the side of the face during “foreplay” and the entire world knows about it six seconds later. Jesus, however, decides to show up in a small part of the world thousands of years ago where 95% of the population was illiterate and it took several months to get news from one kingdom to the next. Not exactly the best strategy when trying to get your message out.

Personally, I think Christ would have done great in our world. I have seen his action figures as he flaunts the 2% body fat from all of the walking and spear-dodging. Hollywood is already run by members of his tribe, so imagine if Christ showed up at a couple of parties and started turning water into wine in front of some major players to help get the liberal media on his side? He follows that up with a bare-chested selfie photo on Twitter of him in the mirror flashing those sick beach-ready abs with the tagline “Scrub Away Your Sins On This Washboard! #IMJCBITCH” and BOOM, you got yourself a major religion in California that doesn’t involve space aliens and volcanos. And as California goes, so goes the country!

Looking back, Jesus could have been Gandhi before there was Gandhi. If Jesus made it clear he was “just a man”, his message could have been taught in every public school with individual chapters devoted just to him in every civics text-book and his baby pictures on government property wouldn’t be met with such outrage. A philosopher with the message “Think about this” can get their message to a lot more people in a less confrontational way than a god saying “DO THIS OR ELSE!”.

The trade off, of course, is that he would have to give up the divinity playbook and Christmas would disappear from the calendar, but if 20% of the country today doesn’t pay any attention to Jesus anyway, would that really be such a bad thing? Me thinks not, Baby Christ. Also, with Jesus finally off the god clock, maybe a few others would start to loosen their restrictions, which is always a good thing, because it would mean my Jewish friends could finally eat a bacon cheeseburger with a clear conscious.

© 2017, Jay Solemn. All rights reserved.

Godless heathen and warrior poet. Believes Freedom of Speech takes priority over all other basic human rights only because he likes to say 'Fuck' in public. A LOT. Constantly searching for the limits of human decency only so he can step over it.

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