Hey godSwill, Why Do You Only Make Fun Of Christians?

That is, by far and away, the question I get asked the most in reference to this page. Usually it is being asked of me by an angry Christian, and they usually follow it up by calling me an ‘asshole’ at which point I begin laughing at their traditional Christian values which apparently does not include limiting one’s colorful language.

The short answer and simple truth of it is: I don’t just make fun of Christians. I pride myself on being an equal-opportunity offender and will not waste an opportunity to prove it if the situation arises. 

I’ve often said it is about damn time this country had a Mormon president because just think of the money we could save if the President didn’t need the protection of the Secret Service. A Mormon president would be wearing his special magic underwear at all times, so no sniper bullet or would be assassin would be able to hurt him because of his magic god panties. I also think NASA would benefit from all of the extra funding because the Mormon D. President would start building more rockets so that he or she could travel to Kolob anytime they want. 

On the flip side of that, I often put the fear of impending fatwa aside by once writing about how “The Prophet Mohammad”, when taken from the pure Arabic wording, loosely translates into English as “Licking Camel Balls Softly” and that Mohammad was no stranger to the pleasures that can come from a freshly shorn camel scrotum. So the idea that Christianity holds some kind of “insult only” status on my dance card is laughable. 

HOWEVER, I will concede one point in reference to all of this and go ahead and freely admit that I make fun of Christianity MORE than I do other religions. If I had to pick an all-purpose insult-to-bullshit ratio, I think mine would fall somewhere in the “Christian Mockery: 90%, Other Mystical Buffoonery: 9%, Rednecks: 1%”, give or take half a percentage point in there somewhere depending how close I am sitting next to an annoying Redneck. 

Now me making fun of all things related to a water-walking carpenter is not based on some kind of personal grudge. Well, maybe it kind of is based on geography, but I will get into that. The reason Christians hold a special place in my heart when it comes to calling them idiots is firmly based on the fact that I live in the United States of ‘Murika. It is that and nothing more as to why Christians have become my go-to target.

Conservatives will often throw out the expression of how the U.S. is a “Christian Nation”, and even though it isn’t based on anything factual in reference to its founding as a country, there is a certain degree of truth to that in terms of its current population. I currently reside in a country where more than 50% of the population believe snakes can talk and that all of the different languages in the world were created in under a second because a group of people started building a flagpole or some such nonsense. In this same country, many people live within certain metaphorical boundaries referred to as “The Bible Belt”, where they set a plate at the table every meal for Jesus just in case he shows up for dinner and it is considered impolite if you don’t finger your female cousin on her birthday. 

In other words, the reason I seem to make fun of Christianity more than any other religion is because Christianity plays a bigger part in my day-to-day existence more than any other religion. 

When I leave my apartment on a Saturday night and walk through the crisp Chicago air on my way to a local bar to meet people and make bad decisions, I pass four different churches. I don’t pass four different mosques.

When I am on vacation and enjoying a drink in the hotel bar where I am meeting different people and hoping to make some bad decisions, when she and I end up back in my room there is a a copy of the bible in the nightside next to the condoms I brought. There isn’t a copy of the Book of Mormon.

And when you hear politicians and really stupid parents arguing about how this country would be a better place if kids started praying in school again, they are talking about prayers to a Christian god and not some kind of Pagan water goddess.  

Christians have long believed they are better than other people. Their eyes have become so glossed over with the semen of Christ drying on their face that they actually believe all other religions are beneath them because THEIR imaginary friend living in the sky is the REAL imaginary friend living in the sky, and they waste no time in telling people that especially during an election year.

When three days of news coverage consist of a top story of how Christians are angry because Starbucks isn’t putting fucking snowflakes on their cups and how that insults Christians, you know the population is skewed towards one deity over another. Because of this, mocking and insulting Christians is a way of, at least to me, fighting back against the power they think they have and me telling them they are completely full of shit.

When Christians are the number one group fighting against marriage equality because they don’t think THEIR magical friend would approve, they are telling the world “the giant ghost who drowned millions of babies knows what is good for you, so he and I will be making the rules from now on”. 

When conservative politicians argue against legalized gambling and marijuana, they aren’t doing that to try and prevent people from being hurt. They are arguing against those things because they are trying to prevent “sin” based on a set of rules their parents once told them about right after the story about how that same god killed the first born children in Egypt. It’s a set of rules THEY feel should take priority of the individual rights of others. And that is, of course, utter bullshit.

I get that some Christians who happen across this page feel I am being harsh towards their views. I don’t give a fuck that they think that, but I get that they might. Those same Christians are going to have to realize, however, that because they feel they deserve special privilege over others because of their beliefs, then they shouldn’t give a fuck if I want to call them out on their stupidity. If you think your god is the one and only god, then you make yourself the target that I prefer to go after. If you renounce your god tomorrowthen you wouldn’t need to worry about what I say. Until then, go drink blood in church as you dine on Jesus crackers.

And speaking of blood, and in reference to that Starbucks thing, next time you hear a Christian say something about the red cups not representing Christmas, just tell them the cups signify the blood of Jesus…. that he was still covered in as part of the afterbirth when pulled out of Mary. Worst case scenario, they yell at you. Best case scenario, it will keep them out of Starbucks for a while.

© 2017, Jay Solemn. All rights reserved.

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