Hey godSwill, Why Do You Only Make Fun Of Christians?

That is, by far and away, the question I get asked the most in reference to this page. Usually it is being asked of me by an angry Christian, and they usually follow it up by calling me an ‘asshole’ at which point I begin laughing at their traditional Christian values which apparently does not include limiting one’s colorful language.

The short answer and simple truth of it is: I don’t just make fun of Christians. I pride myself on being an equal-opportunity offender and will not waste an opportunity to prove it if the situation arises. 

I’ve often said it is about damn time this country had a Mormon president because just think of the money we could save if the President didn’t need the protection of the Secret Service. A Mormon president would be wearing his special magic underwear at all times, so no sniper bullet or would be assassin would be able to hurt him because of his magic god panties. I also think NASA would benefit from all of the extra funding because the Mormon D. President would start building more rockets so that he or she could travel to Kolob anytime they want. 

On the flip side of that, I often put the fear of impending fatwa aside by once writing about how “The Prophet Mohammad”, when taken from the pure Arabic wording, loosely translates into English as “Licking Camel Balls Softly” and that Mohammad was no stranger to the pleasures that can come from a freshly shorn camel scrotum. So the idea that Christianity holds some kind of “insult only” status on my dance card is laughable. 

HOWEVER, I will concede one point in reference to all of this and go ahead and freely admit that I make fun of Christianity MORE than I do other religions. If I had to pick an all-purpose insult-to-bullshit ratio, I think mine would fall somewhere in the “Christian Mockery: 90%, Other Mystical Buffoonery: 9%, Rednecks: 1%”, give or take half a percentage point in there somewhere depending how close I am sitting next to an annoying Redneck. 

Now me making fun of all things related to a water-walking carpenter is not based on some kind of personal grudge. Well, maybe it kind of is based on geography, but I will get into that. The reason Christians hold a special place in my heart when it comes to calling them idiots is firmly based on the fact that I live in the United States of ‘Murika. It is that and nothing more as to why Christians have become my go-to target.

Conservatives will often throw out the expression of how the U.S. is a “Christian Nation”, and even though it isn’t based on anything factual in reference to its founding as a country, there is a certain degree of truth to that in terms of its current population. I currently reside in a country where more than 50% of the population believe snakes can talk and that all of the different languages in the world were created in under a second because a group of people started building a flagpole or some such nonsense. In this same country, many people live within certain metaphorical boundaries referred to as “The Bible Belt”, where they set a plate at the table every meal for Jesus just in case he shows up for dinner and it is considered impolite if you don’t finger your female cousin on her birthday. 

In other words, the reason I seem to make fun of Christianity more than any other religion is because Christianity plays a bigger part in my day-to-day existence more than any other religion. 

When I leave my apartment on a Saturday night and walk through the crisp Chicago air on my way to a local bar to meet people and make bad decisions, I pass four different churches. I don’t pass four different mosques.

When I am on vacation and enjoying a drink in the hotel bar where I am meeting different people and hoping to make some bad decisions, when she and I end up back in my room there is a a copy of the bible in the nightside next to the condoms I brought. There isn’t a copy of the Book of Mormon.

And when you hear politicians and really stupid parents arguing about how this country would be a better place if kids started praying in school again, they are talking about prayers to a Christian god and not some kind of Pagan water goddess.  

Christians have long believed they are better than other people. Their eyes have become so glossed over with the semen of Christ drying on their face that they actually believe all other religions are beneath them because THEIR imaginary friend living in the sky is the REAL imaginary friend living in the sky, and they waste no time in telling people that especially during an election year.

When three days of news coverage consist of a top story of how Christians are angry because Starbucks isn’t putting fucking snowflakes on their cups and how that insults Christians, you know the population is skewed towards one deity over another. Because of this, mocking and insulting Christians is a way of, at least to me, fighting back against the power they think they have and me telling them they are completely full of shit.

When Christians are the number one group fighting against marriage equality because they don’t think THEIR magical friend would approve, they are telling the world “the giant ghost who drowned millions of babies knows what is good for you, so he and I will be making the rules from now on”. 

When conservative politicians argue against legalized gambling and marijuana, they aren’t doing that to try and prevent people from being hurt. They are arguing against those things because they are trying to prevent “sin” based on a set of rules their parents once told them about right after the story about how that same god killed the first born children in Egypt. It’s a set of rules THEY feel should take priority of the individual rights of others. And that is, of course, utter bullshit.

I get that some Christians who happen across this page feel I am being harsh towards their views. I don’t give a fuck that they think that, but I get that they might. Those same Christians are going to have to realize, however, that because they feel they deserve special privilege over others because of their beliefs, then they shouldn’t give a fuck if I want to call them out on their stupidity. If you think your god is the one and only god, then you make yourself the target that I prefer to go after. If you renounce your god tomorrowthen you wouldn’t need to worry about what I say. Until then, go drink blood in church as you dine on Jesus crackers.

And speaking of blood, and in reference to that Starbucks thing, next time you hear a Christian say something about the red cups not representing Christmas, just tell them the cups signify the blood of Jesus…. that he was still covered in as part of the afterbirth when pulled out of Mary. Worst case scenario, they yell at you. Best case scenario, it will keep them out of Starbucks for a while.

The Pledge Of Allegiance: Indoctrination By Any Other Name

Two words: “Under God”. (Kinky!)

The Pledge of Allegiance is 31 words long, but 29 of them really don’t amount to shit most of the time. It’s the combination punch of “under god” that has caused our little friend ‘Pledgie’ to become such a controversial issue. That demented little Lyndsey Lohanian fucker has been dragged in front of a judge on more than one occasion by Jehovah’s Witnesses, non-monotheists, and really bored dip-shit activists just looking for dip-shit things to argue about as a way of getting some publicity for whatever dip-shit cause they feel helps get them laid.

A direct result of many of these law suits is that children in public schools are no longer required to stand and recite the pledge if they don’t want to and it is now generally understood that “under god” doesn’t necessarily promote a specific christian deity as much as it is just a “ceremonial expression” (The courts term. Not mine).

In other words, because no one is singing “Onward Christian Soldier”, and because it is voluntary, many courts are saying everyone should just shut the fuck up for fifteen seconds because the world will keep spinning and we should all let them get back to prosecuting murderers and rapists and shit. Generally speaking, good advice.

Now, do I believe “Under God” in the pledge is meant to be religious? Yes I do. Do I care? Not one fucking bit. Do I still have a problem with the Pledge of Allegiance? You bet your sweet ass I do! Shall I dissect each of those statements? Well I sure as shit ain’t typing this for my health.

Is It Religious:

The original Pledge of Allegiance as written by Francis Bellamy in 1892 went as follows:

“I pledge allegiance to my Flag and the Republic for which it stands, one nation indivisible, with liberty and justice for all.”

That’s all there was to it: completely non-denominational AND with no specific reference to the United States. Like a back-room happy ending, he wanted it to be quick and to the point without the unnecessary foreplay.

It should be pointed out that Bellamy was a Baptist minister, so here we have a man of god CHOOSING to leave any mention of god out of the golly-gosh-darned thing. That right there should speak volumes.

(History lesson: Bellamy was a bit of a socialist for the time. He believed in equality for both minorities and women long before that line of thinking became the norm and eventually left the church altogether because he felt it was becoming too racist. So he had that going for him. But before you start building red, white and blue shrines around your flagpole to the man, know that he also was against many types of immigration into the U.S. because he thought it would ruin the country down the line. Man, that GOP blood goes deep.)

Now different wording was added and changed over the years with no other fucking reason being than people actually care about REALLY stupid shit with the nonsense brigade culminating in 1954 with the Knights of Columbus, the worlds largest Catholic fraternal organization, petitioning Congress to add “under god” to the pledge with President Eisenhower, having recently been baptized as a Presbyterian, putting his support behind it. Congress passed it. Everyone congratulated themselves for being so patriotic. And school kids everywhere still didn’t care because they were too busy learning that ducking and covering oneself with your hands will render you immune to a radioactive blast. (SCIENCE!)

So when I say I think the pledge is meant to be religious, I say that from the standpoint that a MINISTER chose not to make it religious but with a Catholic organization and recently watered down supernatural light-blinded president turning it into one. The courts can say the phrase that pays doesn’t mean anything, but they are lying out of their black-robed asses when they do.

Do I Care?

Not a bit. For a couple of reasons. One, I haven’t said the pledge of allegiance since god knows when, so I give not one immaculately conceived turd if “under god” is a religious expression. The only reason this lawsuit exists is because atheist parents didn’t like their children saying it, which again, may be going overboard. (I feel these types of lawsuits give atheists a bad name. But it is also interesting that in the very non-religious state of Massachusetts, the parents are listed on court documents as “John and Jane Doe” for fear of reprisal from the community if people knew their real names.)

Second, and more importantly, I throw out the expressions “Go To Hell”, “Jesus Fucking Christ”, and “God Damn It” (usually all in the same sentence while standing in line at Starbucks checking scores on my phone) with aplomb and they have ZERO religious connotations for me. I am not cursing the presumed Son Of God but, instead, using what has become a very common expression by foul-mouthed hooligans such as myself. So ultimately this is me being a greedy dick and not wanting to give up certain epithets the general population at large has come to know and love.

Do I Still Have A Problem With The Pledge?

Actually, very much, with the main reason being it is just really fucking creepy. Like “Village of the Damned’ creepy! Here we have a room full of kids turning to a piece of cloth and start chanting about servitude all at the same time. Tell me the teacher wouldn’t freak the shit out if all of the kids stood up and started doing the exact same thing to the coat rack at some random moment?

But on a slightly more serious note, I have a problem with it because we are talking about children blindly reciting an oath they themselves probably don’t fully comprehend. It is one thing for parents, having accumulated the knowledge of what they are saying, to be forced to do it at their office (which would bring on an even greater number of lawsuits if that was the reality).

But it is quite another when it has become common-place for a class of 25 empty-headed little blank-slates, 85% of them probably having just picked their nose, to verbally sign their life away each week when they think “indivisible” is the super-power of that chick from the ‘Fantastic Four’.  It’s just like these fucking “celibacy” pledges many church groups turn pre-teens onto before they are old enough to understand what sex really is.

I guess I have never really been a big fan of “pledges”. I am more the type of person who likes to do something because they WANT to and not because they took some kind of oath and feel required to. It loses some of its heart when you aren’t doing something out of love.

But I will say, I do find it funny that one of the main criticisms of the public school system by conservative parents is they are these “liberal indoctrination factories” that turn their children onto bad ideas (like science and math), but those same conservatives are the ones who are all for public schools making the students recite the pledge in what is obviously a much bigger type of indoctrination.

Moral of the story here kids: As long as “patriotism” equates to “god fearing”, indoctrination is a very good thing indeed when chanting at a flag.

Which is crazy.

Every good christian knows God hates flags.

This Isn’t A Christian Nation… So Fuck Off!

On Sunday, July 7, 1776, our Founding Fathers gathered together in a small church just outside of Philadelphia to sign a document declaring that these United States and its people were servants to the Lord Jesus Christ. Afterwards, the majority of them being clergy, there was a small prayer unto God thanking Him for overlooking this newly formed Christian nation.

Of course, everything I just typed is complete malarkey (People don’t use the word ‘malarkey’ enough. I am bringing it back!), but you would be amazed at the number of biblical ass-clowns who continue to try to mold the history of this country into something that it isn’t.

I freely admit, I am a bit of a Founding Father nerd. I know most people gravitate towards the Civil War in terms of American history because of that brother against brother situation, but I have always had a perpetual hard-on for all things Revolutionary. There is something fascinating about a bunch of ivy league educated guys who didn’t like how the parent company was being run and decided to go out on their own and hope for the IPO. In business terms, America was the first continental ‘start-up’. And even though fireworks don’t really do it for me, I do enjoy it when Independence Day rolls around.

So with congressional dick in hand, my annual “Fourth of July” celebration comes in three distinct parts: 1., A new book dealing with American Independence (This year it happens to be “Founding Brothers” by Joseph J. Ellis). 2., Seeing how much of that “American Revolution” documentary they always play on the Fourth I can get through before the musical “1776” ultimately shows up. And 3., Waiting around for the inevitable onslaught of shows/blogs/articles from conservative nutjobs stating, FOR A FACT, that this country was founded as a Christian nation and every year we as a people slide further away from what the Founding Fathers intended. (I lied. Part of my ritual also involves: 4., A nice bottle of scotch. And 5., Keeping a running tally of how many nutjob Christians who claim this country was founded as a Christian nation I can piss off by pointing their stupidity out to them.)

Really Quick Answer To Nutjob Christians: NO IT WASN’T, SO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!

There has been this ongoing crusade from Christian revisionists (Christians on a crusade…nice) who, year after year, attempt to portray the Founding Fathers as these die-hard religious fanatics so as to rewrite history through the prism of Christianity. The end-game to this is some kind of crazy thought process of “This country was founded on Christian principles, therefore we all need to be Christians because Christianity is the shit!!”. (I added that last part on my own. Most Christians think “shit” is a small vegetable that grows in the Middle East and used for medicinal purposes.)

These revisionists “prove” their argument the same way they prove everything else about their behavior by cherry-picking through quotes that seem to give validity to their actions. Only instead of quotes from the bible justifying intolerance and moral superiority, it is quotes from the Founding Fathers that mention SOMETHING about religion and then using it as the holy grail of proof of how religious they were. LOOK, Thomas Jefferson said THIS about religion so he was a Christian which means when he wrote the Declaration of Independence he was talking about Christians only! Other religions take a back seat, so building mosques in this country should be illegal! (My sarcastic side aside, that last part about why mosques should be illegal was an actual argument being used by a Christian blogger.)

The expression “Separation of Church and State” gets thrown around a lot whenever you hear about someone suing a government building to remove a statue of Moses shaving his balls off the front steps, and religionists will quickly point out that is not what the Founding Fathers meant. (These assholes not only know what GOD specifically meant, but also the Founding Fathers.) Then they volley with “The Separation of Church and State” isn’t even in the Constitution”. And they are right. The phrase “Separation of Church and State” comes from one of Thomas Jefferson’s letters written to a group of Baptists. But the words “divinity”, “bible” and “Jesus” aren’t mentioned in the Constitution either, so eat a dick.

I always laugh when religious folk try to recruit Jefferson as part of their tribe. (Because Jefferson was the primary author of the D.o.I., he is a Big Get.) Anyone who says Thomas Jefferson was a Christian is an idiot who knows jack shit about Thomas Jefferson. At the Jefferson Memorial, the following inscription is etched into the wall: “I have sworn upon the altar of god, eternal hostility against every form of tyranny over the mind of man”. This quote has been used by many different people to prove Jefferson was both religious and his frame of mind for breaking away from a tyrannical government. Wrong and wrong.

During the election of 1800, Thomas Jefferson was portrayed as a hard core atheist and piece of shit infidel who, if elected, would bring god’s wrath down on this country because of how non-religious he was. The quote mentioned above was him spelling out just how much he hated the clergy. The “tyranny over the mind of man” he is talking about is organized religion and how it is used to hold mankind back. He then went on to say the mother fuckers talking shit about him were absolutely right and, if elected, he was hell bent on leading this country AWAY from organized religion. To use the vernacular, Jefferson was saying “If these biblical fuck toys want to dance, I will Hunt The Squirrel so far up their ass they will taste the shit off my brocaded silk uppers!” (Side note: I never thought I would have the need to research the names of dances in the 18th century, but “Hunt The Squirrel”….FANTASTIC!!!!)

Jefferson, like Franklin, was a deist. They both believed in the concept of a god, but that is really as far as it went, and it isn’t uncommon to see references that refer to god as an “architect”. God, to them, was the ultimate scientist who put the universe together and set it in motion. However, neither of them believed in the Trinity or that Jesus was divine, and they both loathed organized religion. Jefferson even joked once that one day people will laugh at the idea of the virgin birth the same way people laugh at Roman mythology. (I am still waiting for that to happen.)

Part of me secretly wishes someone digs up a book tomorrow showing every single member of Continental Congress at the time was such a hard core Catholic they tore through three or four young boys a night with pencil etchings provided for visual instruction. If we could somehow prove everyone was super religious it would make them NOT sticking it into any document that much more powerful. And therein lies the crux of all of this shit.

“This is a Christian nation!” That is all it would have taken to put the argument to rest and the fact it isn’t there shows how everyone knew better. The concept of “all men created equal” and “no religious test being required for office” were extremely radical ideas at the time, and it was spelled out like that because they were trying to distant themselves from the Church of England where the King held his position because of some form of divinity. To say we are a Christian nation is almost an insult because it goes against everything they were trying to accomplish. Both Jefferson and Franklin would be horrified at the idea of religious homeschooling where parents go out of their way to keep their children ignorant of the natural world. These men were SCIENTISTS, first and foremost, and that is how they wanted other people to approach every aspect of their lives. Critical thinking, not superstition, was what they cherished most in this world.

Regardless of that, and I hate to admit this, but the religious side IS winning for now. I know no religious test is required for the presidency, but do you honestly think if someone at the end of the State of the Union Address said “Odin bless you! And Odin bless the Unites States of America!” people wouldn’t go apeshit? Back in college I asked the question what everyone thinks this country would see first: A black president or a woman president? Well that ship has sailed. So now I ask people the following question: What do you think this country will see first: a homosexual president or an atheist president? You start thinking about some of the bible thumping pieces of shit who live in this country and that question becomes pretty difficult to answer.

Were the Founding Fathers religious? Of course. Most people were at the time. But they also saw the dangers first hand of what religion does when the government makes decisions based off of personal beliefs instead of logic and reasoning. And besides, if you were to put the religions of ‘back then’ up against those of today for comparison, you would be really surprised at how different they are. Jefferson would be unelectable today as president from either party. His religious views just wouldn’t be compatible with what this country has morphed into. Maybe in a decade or two, but not right now. That is how crazy things have become here. And the next time some Christian idiot says the people of this country need to act more like what the Founding Fathers “intended”, tell them that the Founding Fathers used to keep a pot next to their bed in case they had to take a piss in the middle of the night, so start stocking up on the bleach.